On time God

Who knew that the adoption journey would be filled with so many ups and downs.  There are times that I feel so unworthy of this cause.  Why me?  There are plenty of other people out there with good hearts and/or big bank accounts.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God put adoption in mine and Jason's hearts but as time and circumstances have past I have felt my own faith waiver.  In January, I felt like I was standing on the mountain top as donations and pledges came in...We starting selling Noelle t-shirts. We were going along with full wind in our sails.  But anyone that has been on the pathway of adoption knows that there can be a lot of "hurry up and wait moments".  I knew that God promised to provide, but as I looked at the credit card bill adding up, I started letting doubt and discouragement fill my heart.  Oh how I can relate to Peter...I'm good at getting out of the boat just can't seem to stay on top of the water.  Lately I have dreaded people's questions about the adoption.  I didn't have any news to share and when people would ask, it was just a reminder that we still had a long way to go both financially and legally.  This morning my sister-in-law asked if there was any news and i began to cry saying sometimes it feels like it's never going to happen.  I came home and asked Jason to call the agency to check on the status again although he just emailed them last Thursday.  I was feeling hopeless.  Just like Peter I was taking my eyes off Jesus and was beginning to look at the waves crashing.  I thank God for his patience and loving kindness toward my failings and I'm so grateful that His mercies are new every morning. We know that God is rarely early and never late, but always just in time.  I checked the mail as I was leaving to pick up Cora and saw that we had received a letter from Show Hope.  I called Jason back and said I think we should open this together.  I wasn't ready to take another blow without moral support (note: we had already been denied by another grant organization).  Jason and I prayed a simple prayer as we opened the letter asking God to help us receive whatever he had in store for us and to trust in His promise to provide.  We opened the letter to find that we had been approved for a grant.  It's not enough to cover the whole adoption by a long shot, but is a step in the right direction.  Thanks be to God for his faithfulness and for the hope that he exchanges for my doubt.  He knew just what I needed and when.  

Lord, help me to trust you more.  You display your glory everyday.  Help me not to miss it!

He "bestows on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair."  Isaiah 61:3

90 Days for Noelle - Day 44

My pastor's sermon today was about extravagant love.  He began his sermon with a story of a pastor who had a bus ministry and was knocking on doors one day to invite people to church.  At a house three miles from the church, he encountered a young boy.  The pastor asked if the parents were home to which the boy responded that his parents take the weekend off while he watches his little brother.  The pastor told the boys about Jesus and they wanted to go to church the next Sunday.  While at church the eldest boy noticed that they were passing around a plate that people were putting money in.  He didn't have anything to give and felt distraught when the plate passed him by.  After the plate was a few rows back, he got up and asked to see the plate again.  He sat it on the ground and stood in it saying that he didn't have anything to give but himself.  Pastor Scott followed the story with John 12:1-12 which tells of Mary anointing Jesus' feet with oil, washing them with her tears, and drying them with her hair.  He talked about our praise having worth.  You are the only one that can give your praise.  I contemplated this a long time today.  I think we all struggle with self worth thinking that we have nothing to give or thinking that what we have is not good enough.  We find our identity in our past sins, hurts, scars.  We have them all boxed up in a "safe" place, but God wants all of us.  As I was at the alter, I kept thinking... "God all I have is broken pieces."  "My righteousness is filthy rags."  "Like the little boy, I don't have anything to give but myself."  I felt like God spoke to me and said that's all I want.  God is the only one that can give us worth because he created us. He paid a high price for us by giving his son to die in our place.  He asks us to cast all our anxieties on him because he cares for us.  He doesn't want us to hold on to old stuff because He wants to make all things new.  God wants us to submit to him and only when we truly surrender do we find peace in our souls.  If I give everything to this great, big God then I don't have to worry or fear because I know He can handle it.  I always wanted someone in my life just to tell me that everything was going to be okay...well...it is.

Psalm 139:14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.

Father, Thank you for faithfulness and  loving kindness.  Your mercy is new every morning.  I praise you for all you have done in my life.  I know that you are at work, preparing me for Noelle.  Continue to make me into the mosaic that you would have me be.  I  love You. Amen.