Tuesday, September 6, 2011

On time God

Who knew that the adoption journey would be filled with so many ups and downs.  There are times that I feel so unworthy of this cause.  Why me?  There are plenty of other people out there with good hearts and/or big bank accounts.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God put adoption in mine and Jason's hearts but as time and circumstances have past I have felt my own faith waiver.  In January, I felt like I was standing on the mountain top as donations and pledges came in...We starting selling Noelle t-shirts. We were going along with full wind in our sails.  But anyone that has been on the pathway of adoption knows that there can be a lot of "hurry up and wait moments".  I knew that God promised to provide, but as I looked at the credit card bill adding up, I started letting doubt and discouragement fill my heart.  Oh how I can relate to Peter...I'm good at getting out of the boat just can't seem to stay on top of the water.  Lately I have dreaded people's questions about the adoption.  I didn't have any news to share and when people would ask, it was just a reminder that we still had a long way to go both financially and legally.  This morning my sister-in-law asked if there was any news and i began to cry saying sometimes it feels like it's never going to happen.  I came home and asked Jason to call the agency to check on the status again although he just emailed them last Thursday.  I was feeling hopeless.  Just like Peter I was taking my eyes off Jesus and was beginning to look at the waves crashing.  I thank God for his patience and loving kindness toward my failings and I'm so grateful that His mercies are new every morning. We know that God is rarely early and never late, but always just in time.  I checked the mail as I was leaving to pick up Cora and saw that we had received a letter from Show Hope.  I called Jason back and said I think we should open this together.  I wasn't ready to take another blow without moral support (note: we had already been denied by another grant organization).  Jason and I prayed a simple prayer as we opened the letter asking God to help us receive whatever he had in store for us and to trust in His promise to provide.  We opened the letter to find that we had been approved for a grant.  It's not enough to cover the whole adoption by a long shot, but is a step in the right direction.  Thanks be to God for his faithfulness and for the hope that he exchanges for my doubt.  He knew just what I needed and when.  

Lord, help me to trust you more.  You display your glory everyday.  Help me not to miss it!

He "bestows on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair."  Isaiah 61:3